Nerves are shot

My rubberband is about to snap. the continued waiting and waiting. I might not see this thing underway until the end of August at this rate due to issues I can’t discuss.

I am over the verge of needing some serious mental help soon along with a ton of meds to deal with the depression, anxiety and panic attacks.  Its so tempting to call my Dr and call this whole freaking thing off and just take the year that he quoted me and just be done with this whole ordeal.  The 2 times a week transfusions over and over, hell in the last 5 months I have had  lets see 4 weeks a month x 2= 8 x 5 =40 and that doesn’t include the 5 or 6 times that I had to do transfusions 3 times a week.  I would be dead without them as my blood counts have been totally non existant for the last 5 months. So basically the transfusions are keeping me alive at this point, because my bone marrow did not recover from the Zevalin treatment and all the other treatments that I have had over the last 3 years.

I found out that my Dr is scheduled to be on vacation from July 24th through the 6th of August, which puts another kink in this whole mess, but he deserves a vacation himself and can’t revolve his personal life around me.

I was so hoping that I would have been able to get this show on the road before the end of this month, I just want to get it over with, the fear that I live with every stinking day is making me feel hopeless for any future for me.  Hell the damn cancer still exists in me, is it starting to grow again, i don’t have any defenses against it right now. who knows. All I want to know and its a question that I have never voiced in 3 years… WHY ME?