My Friends

I have the greatest friends in the world, they love me and support me.  They are there for me, some are there physically, emotionally, spiritiually, but they are my friends, they help lift me up when I stumble and I am scared.

I Love you guys

Prayer of St Francis

Lord, make me an instrument of Thy peace;

where there is hatred, let me sow love;

where there is injury, pardon;

where there is doubt, faith;

where there is despair, hope;

where there is darkness, light;

and where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master,

grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;

to be understood, as to understand;

to be loved, as to love;

for it is in giving that we receive,

it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,

and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.

Amen.

I have been here before

I can not sleep, my mind finds no rest, the thoughts, feelings, emotions twirling through my mind.  What if this is it? What if this is the beginning of the end? How do I leave behind those that I love and cherish. I feel the need to write to each and every person a letter telling them how they affected my life. To tell them how much they mean to me, how much I love them. How do I do this and not break down and cry. I am so afraid of what my future holds right now. The picture doesn’t look pretty, I will put up a fight, but what if thats not good enough?  I have the will and determination to fight and survive, but what if God has other plans?  I pray to be here to have more time with Stu, to be able to go back home to see Mom and Dad again. to meet my niece and great nephew whom I haven’t met yet, to smell another summer rose. to laugh, to feel the summer sun on my face and another winters bitter cold chill me through and through. I want to live I don’t want to die, I am afraid that in battling this beast I will weaken and be defeated in the end.

Life is so precious, I choke at the thought of all that I have been through theses last 3 yrs. and what I have yet ahead of me. I have stumbled into the pit of self pity, I can’t help myself.  I know that some may think that I am losing hope, I am not, I am just facing my mortality and it is scary, frightening, so many uncertainties.  I can not run, I can not hide from this, I must face it head on, I do not want to do this yet again with the risks involved, but what other choice do I have.  I can only cry silently as the tears flow from my eyes, praying that the outcome is a good one and that one day I can look back on this and sigh at my weakness.

I feel like I am on a roller coaster, up up up I go only to come tumbling down so fast it takes my breath away, then back upppp til the next downward spin.  I can’t share this with anyone face to face because I would break down and I can’t let others see the torment that I feel.

Knowing

My life flashing before me in my dreams
Every night another moment in time
that once was, the sins of my past one by one
there for me to see with no holds barred
No excuses, no reasons, just what once was
and never to be again, no going back
was it youth or innocence, doesn’t matter
Mistakes made can never be erased
From my mind or my book of life
Knowing one day I will have to answer for
those moments in time, no words of defense
My head held low, knowing that I must be
judged, my heart heavy with regret, remorse
a sadness that can not be described
I know in my sleep and every waking hour
the steps I must take, reaching out for
Forgiveness, redemption ,opening my heart
asking, begging, praying, not for another
chance,                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          But guidance to follow the way.

rls c/r 16/2007

Assuming is a big mistake

Assuming that I  have my head shoved up my butt is really insulting to me.

I have blood cancer, I have not had a frontal lobotomy. so assuming that the Chemo Brain has not kicked into high gear and assuming that I don’t have an ounce of commom sense and nothing better to do, I assume that you assume way too much.

If it wasn’t such a waste of time, I would pick up a phone and say how I really feel.  But I don’t have the time or the energy seriously speaking to waste my time with petty shit.  My blog is my space and I have never said anything here or my prior blog that disclosed anything about anyone but me.  If last years blog had been read that fact would already be known, but as some never bothered to read it,its pointless to try to explain that to someone who was never there.

I know who I can count on, I know who really cares, I know who was there through it all and continues to be there still.  They are my rocks, they are the ones who will see me through this next trip and beyond. 

For those who weren’t seen or heard from they know who they are.

 I needed them then, or so I thought, this past year has taught me alot.

Bored

Nothing new happening on the home front right now.  Just waiting for time to pass til Feb 1st which is when I will find out when this next journey begins.

In the mean time I am trying to keep my head out of my rear and not fret over it, its pointless to get stressed out and make myself sick over this.

There is nothing on day time tv worth watching yet again, I know that I have bitched about that in the past and something that I will bitch about in the future.  I have been trying to read more, surf the internet looking for mindless goofy stuff just to pass the time.

I am bored, sigh I wish that I had the energy to do something, my house is a mess, well not completely Stuart cleaned downstairs including the carpet this past weekend.  So I need to tackle the mess that is the bedroom, go thru boxes of crap, junk mail and trash it all. 

Stuart did take me out for an Eagle weekend 2 weeks ago, we saw a ton of eagles, but unfortunatly the day was cloudy and grey so the pictures we took didn’t turn out so great.  We are going to give it a try again in a few weeks, hoping the weather is better.

I hope you all are doing well, keeping those chins up

attention former IBLOG users

I googled IBLOGS and got the sign in page,, I tried to sign in using my old user name and password, and lo and behold the wordpress login screen pops up.  So I’m looking at the old home page is what is post to the bottom of the page 

iblogs.com is proudly powered by WordPress MU running on Iblogs.com.

Create a new blog and join in the fun! Entries (RSS) and Comments (RSS).

So where did Arlo go, it would have been nice if he had warned us that he was selling out.

OMG

Thank you all for your support I think I would really be lost without you all.  Hummingbird thanks for posting about what happened to IBLOGS,  I still had the link to my old site and when I clicked it, damn if it wasn’t porn, I have to make sure that all of my friends and family have the link to here.  I can see the older folks having mini strokes over that.  So apparently Arlo let it all go to hell in a handbasket.  Gee thanks for nothing Arlo.

I have been forgoing my morning/early afternoon naps, its not that I don’t want to go back to sleep, its more that my brain won’t stop running in circles with all that is going on.  But I am beginning to put things in perspective. I have been on this earth for 48 years, some good some bad, and I am lucky to have that.  We lost one of our angels on earth yesterday, a 13 yr old boy, his name is Joseph and he lost his battle with luekemia and the complications of a transplant.  His mother was posting at the LLS site  letting us in on his journey, his battle with cancer.  It really saddens me and breaks my heart when I read about the children suffering thru their young lives, thats all they know and they fight so bravely.  It makes me mad, angry,frustrated that they have to suffer so.

Well it is inevitable that an Allogenic Stem Cell Transplant is in my future.  The Dr is going to use the other treatment to get me into remission and then follow up with the transplant.  Needless to say I am not a happy camper about this,  the Allogenic transplant is riskier and has more complications with it than the one I went thru last year.  The biggest complication being death.  I am trying so hard not to think about that right now, I have to take this one day at a time and deal with what is on my plate at this moment.   Its just such a reality check for me because now I have to get my house in order, Wills made, making sure insurance policy’ is paid and current, making a list for Stuart of the Mortgage Co, Homeowners Ins.. etc etc etc. The list goes on and on.  I am by no means giving up my fight, but I have to be prepared for the worst and hope for the best, thats all I can do.

I have a bit of a headache and running a low grade temp, so this is all I have to offer in the way of thoughts/feelings right now

Sighhhhhhhh

Lets see, well there is minimal involvement in my bone marrow, which s a good thing. So we will follow thru with the treatment plan as it is decribed in my prior post.  I asked the Dr what happens if this works/doesn’t work, and unfortunately I may still have to undergo a donor bone marrow transplant in the future, whether that is later this year or next, its a definet some time in the distance. YUCK

All I can ask is this? Are you registered with the Nation Bone Marrow Registry?  If not, think about doing so,  who knows you might be saving a life, and even if you aren’t a match for me, you might be a perfect match for someone in need.

http://www.marrow.org/ABOUT/index.html

Thats the link, there is a state listing on where you can register, or you can register online. there is a processing fee involved, but I believe that you can also request a copy of the test results for yourself or to be sent to your family Dr.

Well thats all folks!!!! stole that from bugs bunny