Research

If there is no major bone marrow involvement, the treatment will be a bit easier on me than all the prior chemo that I have gotten and it will be a more targeted treatment.  I will have me a bit radioactive for a bit as it takes a few months to actually kill all the bad cells. here is a link that explains it in understandable terms.

http://www.leukemia-lymphoma.org/all_mat_toc.adp?item_id=69986

So I am hoping for some good news next week with the results of the biopsy and I am not stressing over this as I was a few days ago.

Stressing is over with.

Ok no more stressing out.  I went for my bone marrow biopsy and got the chance to talk to my Dr for a few minutes, it is not all hopeless and I have plenty of options ahead of me.  I just have to have patience,( me patient, I don’t think so).  Anyway I will keep posted after the 4th with more news.

Merry Christmas

I wish for everyone to have a Wonderful Love filled Christmas.

Emptiness

I know that this is the season to be jolly, but I can’t be, and I so desperately want to feel that holiday warmth inside.  I feel such pain and desperation.   I feel so lost, so alone, though I know that I am not alone, I can’t help but feel hopeless, this is going to be one ride after another till the end of my days.  I want to be able to plan a future with Stu, and I can’t because I don’t know what my tomorrows hold for me.  The tears won’t stop, I want to scream this isn’t fair, what did I do to deserve this.  Why didn’t what I went through this past year work, do something to stop this crap dead in its tracks.  I am so afraid of the future and whatever treatments I have to go through, its going to only wear me down more than I am now, How am I going to fight this when I haven’t recovered from what I have gone thru so far. where am I going to be 6 months from now, what about a year from now. Will I even be, or will I only be a memory left in the minds of those who love me.

How do I  love Stuart and let him love me the way he does when all I am going to do is break his heart, its a reality and it breaks my heart thinking about not being here with him, to love him , to hold him to tell him how much he means to me, how happy he has made me, how life would be meaningless without him. Damn it what do I do, what can I do, I am so sad, so frustrated, so damned confused.

Reflecting

Stuart took me to Steak and Shake for breakfast, I hadn’t been there since August when we got the news that I was in remission, All of my waitress buddy’s were there Connie, Angela,Tracey, Kathy,  they were excited to see me, and I felt so bad having to share my most recent news. These girls were great, loving and supportive this past year, they organized a blood drive, by offering a free milkshake to anyone showing proof of making a blood donation in my name.  They are really a great group of people.

I have my bone marrow biopsy scheduled for Tuesday the 27th, One year to the day that I started treatments last year, its almost ironic that I am at the same starting point that I was a year ago.  With the disappointment I feel this time around I have this much deeper reflection of my life and what I have been through for the past 3 years.  I want to live my life to its fullest, I want to love those around me more than I thought possible, I want to hold on to all the good that has happened in my life and completely let go of all the bad, no grudges, no hard feelings, no more anger it is useless energy best spent on the better things in life. I won’t hide my fear and frustration from those who care about me.  I have spent more time hiding what I am feeling than it is worth, If I feel the need to cry, scream. yell, I will and I will then let it go. Holding it inside is not healthy and it doesn’t fool anyone to pretend that I am as stong as I let on to be.  I am not going to have a pity party for myself, but I need to release the feelings of desperation or I will explode or implode and neither is good for my mental or physical well being.

I am so grateful for my blog friends, my friends from work, my family, Stuarts mom, for being so loving and supportive through this past year and knowing that you are all out there listening as I face this battle yet again I thank you so very much.

And for Stuart. who has weathered through this with me from the beginning, He is my strength, he is my life, my hope, it is through him that I am able to sleep and dream of a future of us together, he fights this battle with me, everyday giving me the strength to face this head on with victory our ultimate goal.

Breathing

I spoke with my Dr yesterday and he is sending me for another Bone marrow biopsy next week. Not something I am looking forward to, they hurt like the dickens,(maybe afterwards I will post what they do just to make you cringe) He told me that he has some treatment plans laid out depending on what the BMB results are and has allowed me to take a deep breathe and breath again. This really sucks that I have to travel this road again, but as I always said,, a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do.  There is no other option because the alternative is not an option.

thats all for now, unless I get some brainstorm later, which with the chemo brain is doubtful,

BTW I posted then whole rotten story on ABOUT ME, from 04 to now, its the condenced version.

Devastated

It is with a heavy heart that I share this news. I am no longer in remission, My latest PET scan lit up like a Christmas tree.  I will find out the next game plan on Jan 4th and will post with anything I find out then.

I am disappointed, depressed, confused, and scared, I didn’t even get 6 months of remission, my hair is finally growing back, all the plans Stu and I were making for the new year blown to hell.

Since this all started in March of 2004 I never cried, not til now, I can’t seem to stop, its so hard trying to wrap my head around this damn thing again, I am not able to give up or lose this battle, No way, No how. I am just so frustrated I don’t know what to do.

Another Boring Saturday

I’m still here and bored to pieces. Been doing alot of reading, Ann Rule books are great reads.

Try this link out, make your own elf

http://www.elfyourself.com/?userid=3b1686af2acb95f821d8877G06121608

that is me in this one, if you have a pic of yourself or your children its really cute.

make sure to email a copy to yourself and then email to others from there,

offer only good in the US, otherwise you have to call some dumb telephone number, i don’t know why, but you do.